Entry #8: .2857142857

Well Skinheads, it’s sad but true, but your Washington football team has now lost three games in a row. As I sat here with a Mai Tai in my left hand and my #2 pencil in my right, I worked out the long division to many decimal points and have determined that our winning percentage is now .2857142857. Why go beyond two decimal points? As Coach Murphy taught me at Walpole High, go beyond expectations, and TC feels that most settle for two. Scholarly??? I thought so.

Well, we’ve lost three games in a row. That’s the bad news. The good news is that I’m getting quite accustomed to my seat on the bench and worked it out with the rest of the team to have dibs every home game. So, I’ve ordered my own personal large misty fan for my seat and an espresso machine. Against Jacksonville I created an online account with Manny & Olga’s and ordered an Italian Sub during the 3^rd quarter, which was delivered straight to my chair on the sidelines. I’m becoming a regular in this city already.

Let’s recap: Week 5, we get walloped by the Giants and Mark decides to put on his skirt and reveal Marcy once again. Apart from a great 42 yard drive in which she contributed 17 yards, Marcy led our offense to 0 points and barely threw for over 100 yards. I might have complained to Papa Al, who actually asked me to get ready about 5 times, but I enjoyed the New York nightlife a little too much to feel like warming up anyway. Amani Toomer and I developed a strong connection on the field at the Big House in Ann Arbor and off the field at local bars such as Touchdowns and Scorekeepers, where they called us White Lightning and Black Shadow. Our code names were definitely in effect as we took to Manhattan for our post game celebrations after sharing the hot tub with some special friends.

Week 6 featured our most surprising, but far from only, loss of the season thus far. I decided to call Cindy from The Friendship Heights Cheesecake Factory and she personally delivered a Pesto Chicken Pizza and a Blackened Chicken Sandwich for me to share with Jason on my personal bench seat, figuring Marcy had this one in the bag. I also asked our equipment manager, Brad Berlin, to put in a water cooler consisting of ST’s just for me. I had so many laughs with Jason that I hardly knew what was happening until Coach Gibbs gave quite the halftime speech and I realized we were only up one. Cool under pressure as always, I didn’t sweat it and remained collected even though the Pesto was heavy in the stomach. Next thing I know we’re losing and Papa Al wants me warming up again, but I told him it wasn’t going to happen today and if he wants me saving this team like in the preseason he better switch me to #1a on the depth chart. Well, this one stung a little bit because I expected to celebrate a victory that night so I didn’t do much partying and simply brought the three girls into the hot tub with Chris and I. Tough week, and I shoulder none of this defeat.

Week 7 I didn’t expect to win so I’m not that disappointed by the result and I was glad for fellow Michigan alums Marlin and Cato. Chris scored a touchdown today so I’m sure we’ll celebrate that once we get back to DC. Other than that I didn’t warm up at all, and we’re now 2-5 and looking at a lottery pick which is kind of exciting because I’ve kept friendly with the Michigan program and know guys like Alan Branch and Leon Hall look up to me for guidance. Well, I’ll accept some of this loss, being a team player and all, and Mark played decently, probably since he is looking over his shoulder and seeing me.

Ok folks, that’s a quick recap of the football action. Stay strong Skinheads, just like this mai tai.

Todd Collins

# 15

Entry #7: An even .500

So, although the bitter taste is still in my mouth it’s at least covered by this Crispy Beef Sandwich as we’re now 2-2. Back in the playoff hunt at least, but I’m still not seeing the kind of time I deserve.

Well in week 3 we beat up on the worst team in the NFL from last year, congrats on your record Marcy, no way TC could have thrown screen pass all day and beat the Texans. So a nice 31-15 win. The bigger news was that I was able to spend the week in Texas with Terry and the cheerleaders. About midweek we switched from Dallas girls to Houston girls and on Saturday night we traded them for University of Texas girls when we went down to watch the Longhorns take on Iowa State. Well, it was a good week and I can’t complain because I am a team player and we won, so I’ll take about 1.8% of the credit since there are something like 53 players on a team and I am one of them, however, I don’t have a calculator and that is my scholarly guess. A great week in Texas, a good victory, and I was ready to head back home to Andrea and The Cheesecake Factory.

Man was week 4 exciting. Knowing we had a W under our belt, the Skinhead nation came out ready to go and saluted us home. I think we were pumped for this one and Mark showed up to play QB instead of his alter-ego. However, for those of you who were there and those of you who watched, you noticed something. Mark got a little banged up in the third quarter and I noticed the FOX cameras showing me warm up on the sidelines. Although I didn’t want to cover up my well groomed hair, I wanted to show the world I was ready to go so I strapped on my helmet and gave a good exhibition on the sidelines, I’m pretty sure you’ll see it on the 2am Sportscenter. I was excited to make my regular season debut, and I had already replaced Marcy four times in the preseason. The blood was rushing just like in the 1992 Michigan/Wisconsin game when Elvis Grbac’s turf toe allowed me to warm up in front of an entire section of Chi-O’s. That night turned out well. So, Mark comes back, we win in overtime, I rush the field, and we’re 2-2. It’s a great feeling, and I’m going to take 5% of the victory due to my warming up and the extra motivation it probably gave Mark to go back out there. Good victory gents.

So, yes we’re 2-2 and in great shape. The positive energy seems to be circulating this entire city. I can’t go anywhere without someone noticing me for my football playing rather than my sparkly white teeth, designer suits and perfect hair. It’s become quite embarrassing for Andrea and I since we can’t go out of our mansion without getting mobbed. It’s a good feeling, but makes my time here at The Cheesecake Factory pretty tiresome. In fact, I’m sitting here with a Groucho Marx type mustache and glasses and top hat just so I can enjoy my latte and Oreo cheesecake. It’s quite a challenge to eat but I can think of no other place I rather be blogging you.

Todd Collins
# 15